The sky actually did fall...

Sorry for being away so long....almost safe to say I have been holding my breath for the several years that I did not write.  Did my life improve? No! And yes...but after much time. They always say truth is stranger than fiction and yes it's so true. If I were to read my blog ( without being me) I would think "wow this woman is making up stuff". I wish I were. I would give anything to be lying about the things that have happened since my last post. Did I lose weight? Another no. In fact I gained three times what I lost. So here I am starting again. Please stay with me. I need my followers...I need to help you and I need to help myself. Since my last post:

1. My oldest son who was in jail got out- went to drug rehab....got out and within 1 month died from a drug overdose. Worst day of my life. My son should be alive. I should die before him. How and why did this happen. My heart has never ached so bad. I have cried a river of tears....I am mad at him! How could he do this? How dare he die and leave me and all his children???? I am sick over this. He died in 2010 on September 6th and I have finally gotten to the verge of sad....so much easier being mad.
2. My daughter in law died of a drug overdose in dec 2010. So yes....my two oldest grand kids lost both father and mother in a three month period. My sadness is of no comparison as to how they feel. My son had 6 children by age 27.  The two oldest are living with maternal relatives. Sonya and Brandon Jr.  Tabitha lives with her mother ( my son and this girl dated about 6 months) I see Tabs three times per year. Then my son had three sons with another woman in Florida. Tyler was 5 when  Brandon (my son died) and 2 younger brothers Christopher and Wyatt. All three boys were taken by child protective services.  The two younger boys were adopted together and I never even got to meet them or hold them. The family that adopted the boys wanted no contact. I adopted Tyler and he is now 9 years old, the spitting image of his father.  
3. My father got stomach cancer - he lives with me as well. He has gone from 220 pounds down to 132 pounds. Trying to have him gain weight is a nightmare especially as I try to diet. I have gained and gained. 
4. My youngest natural son is now on heroin and I am raising his teenage daughter as well. He robbed both me and my father. 
5. My oldest brother has hep c and his liver is failing....he is scared of dying. I am scared of breathing....
 So yes.....my life turned upside down and I gained a whopping 45 pounds. So what do I do now? 

Then the world came crashing down

Dear god.....where to start? Is this a nightmare? I pray so and would give anything to wake up and this all be a bad, bad dream. I came home from work and found my dear sweet mother on the floor(with the broom beside her)she was so weak she could not get up. I asked her how long she had been there and she said "not too long" in a quiet whisper. I lifted her up and then got down on all fours and to show her how to get up on her own should this happen again. (I am a caregiver!!! I take care of sick people!!! Why wasn't I home????) She seemed to be okay but weak. My father had gone to a doctors appointment less than five minutes away. But he was gone longer than expected and mom can't talk only whisper since getting cancer of the lymph nodes. I had just returned home after being gone to work for a week. On a week/ off a week. Mom always trying to do things even though she just had chemo and was so ill. Why sweep?? Mom felt really tired after this so she took a pain pill and went to bed. The next morning my father was scheduled for eye surgery- a van picked him up and I drove mom to the cancer center. She was bruised terribly from her fall. She didn't want me to tell them about the fall but I did. The doctor decided nothing was broke but prescribed more pain medication because her back was hurting. They thought it might be due to new medication. Mom needs assistance walking and getting up or down. This frightens me. Mom has always been so strong. Weds - mom still so weak. I put on her makeup for her! OMG. Her back really hurts. When we get to the cancer center we talk to the doctor. He tells her to take two pain pills in am/one in pm. Mom worries about getting addicted. Bless her heart. I worry my mother is hurting. Thursday my father takes her to cancer center and they run blood work. They also decide to do MRI on her back. Mom and dad get home from doctor and instantly get call - Mom's blood level is dangerously high. She could bleed to death internally - dad takes her to ER immediately. They have no rooms available for two days! Mom is in ER room with curtain but they do finally bring a hospital bed. Then we get MRI results - three fractures in her spine by her neck and her heart rate has gone crazy as well. One minute beating out of her chest - the next far too slow! Mom is frightened. We are too. Dad and I stay with her. Family streams in from everywhere. Next we get word that my fathers brother has passed away. My dad is sad. My mom is too but she is so ill. Finally, mom gets a PCU room. Dad stays with mom and I go home. I am worried because mom doesn't seem to be breathing correctly. The next morning at five dad calls me frantic and tearful "tam - mom stopped breathing" I said "dad are they working on her?" He said "yes" I tell him I am on way. My husband and I drive frantically and when we get there mom is now in ICU on life support. The doctor tells us they will try and let her breath on her own the next morning. They doubt it will work. Two days later she is able to breath on her own - good news? Then she catches pnemonia, we are told the cancer has spread to her spine and all over her body, her heart will not work correctly again without pacemaker but she is not strong enough to survive surgery. They tell us it is time for Hospice and I (the daughter) must break the news to mom. I tell mother that she always told me to tell her the truth and so I told her that I wanted her to come home and I wanted to take care of her, I see in mothers eyes the fear of what I am telling her. My heart just breaks. My strong beautiful mother - I am so sorry that I had to say those words to you. Please know it would be an HONOR to care for you. You are my heart. You are my mommy. Let me just say that the pnemonia worsened after this and that her heart just gave out. Within two days after my telling my mother about hospice she took a final breath and left us. Mom I love and miss you so much. Please come home and let this be a bad, bad dream.

Stress and you guess???

Yes, things have been crazy in my life. Things that I have no control over are way OUT of control!!! My mom is very ill (cancer) my uncle is close to death (cancer) my oldest son is in jail (again) and that is just the icing trust me. I could go on and on!!!!! Why does food seem like it is calling out "comfort here????". Food doesn't make things any better ever.... I had to talk myself out of oatmeal cookies tonight. Good thing is that I did it. Somehow.

Okay day I guess...

Today was sort of ho-hum diet wise. I stayed on track really well and my only slip up was a nibble of a biscuit at breakfast. Being low carb is my diet - this was not correct. Seeing as how I cooked them to entice my dear mother who has cancer and barely eats anything....well she wouldn't have one unless I did. So I nibbled...so did she. But she also had gravy (I didn't) and a half grapefruit and a spoonful of egg. Thankfully she ate a little and thankfully I only ate a little. What pressure!!! It is quite a big challenge trying to get her to eat and me not eat. She pretty much won't eat if I don't and lord knows she can't lose anymore weight. The last few months she has lost so much weight and it seems that I found it all. No, I don't want cancer so I can be thin. But, I just wish she would eat but not expect me to do the same. I don't have cancer - I don't need to gain weight. Other than the biscuit incident - I totally stayed on track and I am doing fine. Thinking good thoughts and headed for success in my new goals.

Home again

Okay so I made it back home again. Family wanted spagetti and garlic toast. What part of Southbeach allows for pasta and bread??? In Phase 1 no less? Well credit to me they had the meal they wanted. I had a very small portion of salad with a bit of the sauce on top for dressing. No pasta, no garlic bread.

What I've learned so far

The "Beck Diet Solution" has something! I mean really something. I have been using the cognitive therapy and so far so good. Only five days in and I am impressed. To face a few facts this is just the right way of thinking and of thinking those thoughts consistently and repeatedly. That's it. I am eating slower. Giving myself credit for things. Reading & acknowledging why I want to lose weight. Always eating sitting down. And having a diet coach/buddy. Great. I can't wait for each new day to read what else. This is good stuff here.

Doing well on the Southbeach diet too. Of course, next week will be a challenge as I am home with my family who only likes meat & potatoes. Here at my week on of work - we eat healthy and I can prepare what I like. Home is a different story - picky hubby, mother with cancer....I could keep going but hey we all have battles and mountains to climb. If I want to be healthy, trim and sexy...well then I must overcome. LOL!!!

Another day..another diet.

Okay...I am trying Southbeach. That has worked for me in the past. But, according to Judith Beck's book. The Beck Solution (i think) I also have an alternate back up diet in case I can't follow through with this one. Weight Watchers will be my back up diet. That has worked for me in the past as well. Not as fast as SB but not as strict as SB either. Dr. Beck calls it cognitive therapy. Every day for six week you have different lessons to do so you learn new behavior. You learn to think and eat like a skinny person. I like it. So far I have learned to tell myself daily "why I want to be thin" and to "always sit down to eat - always". Both things make good sense to me. What are some of reasons for wanting to succeed with my diet? Hmmmm... aside from the obvious...

I want to be slender (ya know hot!)
Feel comfy naked
Be confident
Wear smaller clothes
Have my husband feel like he has a trophy wife (I am so vain - I probably think this blog is about me.)

I also want to be healthy and stop the yo yo diets that I have done for years. Once and for all I want to get this right!!